The Rules of Cricket Explained

The rules of cricket explained No. 1:

The pie metaphor.

Right. So the guy from the other team is called a "bowler" and he's trying to knock your pies down before you can eat them. He throws with an overhand motion, releasing the ball before he steps into the crease, usually bouncing the ball on the ground to make it harder for the pie-eater to pick up. To protect your pies, you have a bat, and when he throws the ball, you swing the bat and try to swat the ball away. If you hit it, you and the other pie-eater switch places and then you can eat one of his pies.

The rules of cricket explained No. 2:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he is out. When they are all out, the side that's been out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

"When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out, he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who are out all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Jury Service Oddities

This week, I was summoned to attend jury service. Though I constantly got shortlisted to be empaneled for juries on some mornings, I was never selected to be a juror (though I have been a juror on two prior occasions, whilst still living in Dunedin).

With the ever colourful idiosyncrasies of human nature being what they are, here are some truly bizarre highlights from this week:

Monday: The lady of Asian origins who ended up being a juror, but could not actually understand what was happening. She had to be replaced after the jury of twelve had already selected their foreperson. The judge questioned how this could happen and she was not amused.

A juror who had difficulty hearing; - the judge arranged for a court official to purchase headphones from Dick Smith's electronics, so that she could actually hear the proceedings.

Wednesday: The de facto couple who were both selected to appear on the same jury. Surely, there was pillow talk during this trial, but hopefully no domestic disputes erupted when they deliberated for a verdict. Myself, and a former work colleague who was also partaking in the jury pool, can not believe how this could actually happen.

The woman who's name was balloted to enter the jury box: - she asked the judge to be excused from the trial, as she did not feel able to take part in this particular case. The judge declined her request. Luckily for her, the defense lawyer subsequently issued a challenge, and she was thus eliminated from that jury. A replacement juror's name then had to be drawn from the ballot box.

Today (Thursday), another woman already empaneled on a jury of twelve, decided that once their respective foreperson had also been selected, she'd announce to the judge that she did not want to take part in the case, as her spouse/partner is a policeman. The defense lawyer then offered to expend his remaining "challenge". The judge declined the lawyer's offer, and stood the would-be-juror aside instead, A replacement juror then had to be selected.

Surely, most people who struggle with hearing, comprehension, or harbour some form of prejudice, declare this sort of information to the court officials before embarking on this stage in the proceedings.

There were multi-lingual signs plastered all over the jury assembly rooms, advising people to notify court officials of such issues.

All of this comical court entertainment helped, to sporadically humour the otherwise dull authoritative proceedings for us punters, who were there ... just biding our time and making up the numbers.

Doctor Joke: Brilliant!

I love this Doctor! I wonder if he practices locally!



Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A:Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

When Wombats Attack

Quite a few years ago, I was hand feeding a Wombat in Australia. The jolly round little beggar decided that it wanted to have a good go at my fingers. My experience was nothing compared to this unfortunate fellow, as described in the following article from Stuff NZ:

A rare wombat attack has left a Black Saturday survivor with bite wounds to his arms and legs.

Bruce Kringle, aged in his 50s, got more than he bargained for when he emerged from his caravan at Flowerdale, north-east of Melbourne, on Tuesday morning, to be attacked by a wombat.

Mr Kringle, who is waiting for his new house to be built, was set upon by the wombat which mauled his leg and then managed to pull him to the ground.

Kelly Smith, who works at the Flowerdale Hotel, said the wombat then jumped on Mr Kringle's chest and continued scratching him with its claws.

"Bruce managed to find an axe and killed it," Ms Smith told AAP.

"It's bizarre what happened.

"He's okay but the wombat mauled his leg, got him to the ground and then started clawing at his chest."

She said Mr Kringle is living in a caravan on his block of land until his house is built.

Paramedics cleaned the man's wounds and took him to the Northern Hospital in Epping in a stable condition.

Geoff McClure, compliance team leader for the Department of Sustainability and Environment, said a wombat attack was extremely unusual.

He said wombats could feel threatened and rush at a person, especially if the animal was suffering from the skin condition mange, caused by parasitic mites.

''In the advanced stages wombats become very irritable and anyone who approaches them, they usually view as a threat and may run towards them,'' he said.

''They appear aggressive but we have never had reports of wombats actually attacking people.''

Airport Security Event

Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'
Passenger : 'Batman'
Customs Official : 'What's your name!?'
Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'
Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'
Passenger : 'Super-man'
Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'
Passenger : 'Yes'
Customs Official : 'Arrest this guy...


When they had him in custody, he was asked to show his identification card: (scroll down)

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

I received this particularly funny list from someone at work. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.



AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM  DOWN THE STAIRS

Philosophical Consumption.

The philosophy of democracy can sometimes be skewed towards three wolves and one sheep holding a vote to determine what's for dinner!