Early yesterday morning, for the purpose of attending a meeting, I caught a flight to Wellington. My boarding pass stated that I was allocated a window seat. Kudos, I thought. Once I boarded the aircraft, I slung my backpack in the overhead locker, grabbed my book in anticipation of a good read , and made myself comfortable on my allocated seat. However, as the flight was preparing to take off, I quickly learned that my tranquility was to be shattered, by this middle aged lady who occupied the seat next to me. She started knocking me persistently with her arm and shoulder. I then noticed that she was constantly fidgeting in her seat for most of the flight. I know this wasn't deliberate, but she was very annoying all the same.
Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Firstly I would like to say thank you for choosing to fly Mandarin Airlines. As we Taxi out to the runway, please make yourself comfortable ... and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane, please look to your LEFT.
I have learned over the years that when you travel, there are 4 main types of airline passengers to be aware of.
1. The Seat Encroacher (a.k.a. The Seat Space Invader): These passengers are usually well built people with stocky arms. Their effect is greatly exacerbated, when they indulge in reading a full size newspaper. Symptoms: A large elbow or foreman may slump over your forearm (worse if you have a short sleeve shirt on) Occasionally, the passenger may take a deep breath or sigh, before wriggling around slowly to find a more comfortable posture. This may happen several times during a flight. These passengers occasionally work on laptops, which can be annoying as well, as they will constantly rub the side of your arm or shoulder as they type.
Warning sign: A well built person walking along the isle with a laptop or newspaper. Cure: Ask them politely to give you more room. This does not work in all cases.
2. The Nervous Flyer (a.k.a. The Fidgeter). These passengers can turn up in all guises. Symptoms: Restlessness, a repeated tendency to jam their hands (either open palms or closed fists) down between their thighs and squeeze, Quickly slide their hands up and down their legs or arm rests repeatedly, a tendency to bump the passengers in adjacent seats with all that fidgeting. In more advanced cases the passenger will hold on tightly to the arm rests. Warning Signs: Passenger will have a very concerned look on their face. Passenger will ask flight attendants or fellow passengers questions, such as, " How long will this flight take?" or " Do you think this will be a bumpy one?". Cure: Three things reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance. Tell them something like "Don't worry it is quite safe up here. Down on the ground, your chances of being savaged by a pack of vicious or rabid dogs are far greater."[Joke].
3. The Seat Recliner (a.k.a The Dozer or Bouncer): This passenger chooses to recline the seat a fair way. Symptoms: Passenger reclines close to the maximum angle. Sometimes they won't sit still and this creates a bouncy motion that can be very annoying to the unfortunate passenger sitting directly behind them. Bouncing seats that hover directly above your nose or meal tray are not fun at all. Flights with seat mounted movie screens can make for hard viewing at the mercy of a bouncer. Warning Signs:Passenger boards the plane with the appearance of being tired and may even carry a cushion or pillow. Cure: Strong turbulence can cause The Seat Recliner to sit upright. Flight staff may also direct these people to place their seats upright in certain situations (aircraft landing or passenger discomfort).
4: The Talker (Have to admit that during earlier years, I have crept into this category) : Passenger will talk non stop to you during the flight, even if you are reading. Can be an overkill situation if you are tired or trying to study. It is good to be friendly and start a conversation, but hey, forgetting to pause long enough to breathe may cause these people to pass out.. Symptoms: Self explanatory. Warning Signs: No reading material. Cure: Interesting reading material for them or an Ipod for you.
5. The Screamer: I have only ever spotted one or two of these passengers. One was particularly memorable. Disposition: Has a serious fear of flying. Sympton: Self Explanatory - they scream loudly. Can also be exacerbated by any level of turbulence. Cure: Get them off the plane as soon as possible, or if they catch their breath between screaming long enough, tell them my stupid joke about rabid dogs and they'll ask you to leave them alone!
