Elephant Bum Job

We all experience the occasional Monday morning blues, we can even make it to Wednesday and think "Man, we're only half way there", or our brains just want to switch off by Friday lunchtime.
Some of us may even think we suffer badly at the hands of irritant people or frustrating machinery.

Now, the next time you want to complain about your job, spare a thought for this guy ...

Now say this with me, "I will not complain about my job, ever again!

Asbestos ... Ah Best Not!

Earlier today, I scrambled home from work via shank's pony for some lunch.

I was in the process of anticipating a yummy bite ... when the phone rang.

My Mother-In-Law was the caller. She informed us that she'd won a gold medal in a long distance walking race, held in Hamilton (our soon to be city of residence). Great news.

Nearly ten minutes after that phone call, the peace was shattered once again by the sound of the phone ringing.

This time, the caller was some guy who claimed that our insurance company had arranged for his outfit to remove asbestos from our lounge. After a minor palpitation, I queried him on whether he had the right address. He was meant to contact some unfortunate house holder in Balclutha.

Just one more word ... whew!

Juxtapositioning the thoughts of a Cat and Dog

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary




8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary






Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am. Irritant Scum.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for
now.........