How Many Mountain Bikes Can You Cram Inside The Back Of A Bus?

This is the cruelty we inflicted on all these bikes, during a recent trip to Rotorua.

Finger Puppet Instructions

Someone bought me finger puppets, as a joke for a Christmas 'Secret Santa'. The product was made in China. Here are the instructions as listed on the packaging:

• Put it into mouth will cause dangers of suffocation
• Play under protector's protection [this one's a classic]
• Do not use, damages, distortion product for your safety
• Please do not throw and cast it - in order to avoid injury and damage to the goods
• Do not give it to the children under 4 years
• Please do not put it near fire

Distortion product for your safety, is rather amusing.

Instructions prepared by those, who don't use English as their first language, always make for hilarious reading.

I received someone elese's credit card in the post.

Recently, Kat's (my lovely wife's) wallet went missing.

As a consequence of this, I had to cancel my credit card and order a replacement card via my bank.

Today, my Australian owned bank sent me a replacement credit card via the mail.

The credit card was held with a special backing adhesive to a letter which contained my relevant details.

I looked at the signature on the card and noticed there was something a little odd ... the digitised signature wasn't mine, ... neither was the photograph. In fact, it was someone else's credit card!

My bank had sent me someone else's card instead of my own!

I dialled the free phone number and explained my predicament.

To cut a long story short, the bank had to cancel the card they sent me, as well as my new card ... which had probably been sent to someone else ... and start again!

Now I've got to wait a few more days for my card to ... ahem ... hopefully ... ahem ... turn up in the post.

Here's an anagram which may give you a clue as the the name of my bank (common short version name):

CAT PEWS

Needs A New Outfit!

Breakthrough: Getting Command and Conquer: Generals to work in Linux Mint

If you have Microsoft Vista, apply the steps in my last post, then apply a nocd patch (this also means you can keep your ROM stored away in a safe place).

If you have Windows XP or earlier on a separate partition, install the game there first as per normal (this is the easy way for games on more than one ROM disc), then apply the nocd patch. Many other games contained on a single ROM disc, can be installed directly into your Wine directory in your Linux OS easily enough.


On your Linux browser, go to the website for Wine HQ and follow the instructions for downloading the Wine git repository (Link: http://wiki.winehq.org/GitWine) via the terminal. In my case, this allowed me to upgrade Wine from 1.0.1 (stable version) to the latest version in development being 1.1.28, via my normal software repository. This version seems to have fixed many bugs, including the invisible mouse cursor, which I encountered in some games designed for Windows.

Mount the drive containing the Windows files and open the folder containing Program Files.

In the case of C&C Generals, look for the folder entitled EA Games.

You now have 2 choices here; either copy the entire contents of this folder from your Windows partition to your home folder in Linux (this also gets around the multi CD installation of this game ... and others like it). A simple Copy and Paste will achieve this.

Or, you can choose to run the game directly from the Windows partition, in your Linux environment. In this option you can open the file by right clicking and using "Open With Wine Program Loader".

I prefer the first option here, as it now means I have a copy of the relevant game in Linux, ... and I don't have to mount the Windows Partition each time I want to open the program.

Getting Command and Conquer Generals to Work in Vista (but what about Linux Wine?).

A lot of folk have posted concerns on internet forums, regarding the inability of getting C&C Generals to work in the Microsoft Windows Vista operating environment. Even the Vista compatibility site states that it doesn't work (see http://www.microsoft.com/windows/compatibility/Search.aspx?type=Software&s=command%20conquer&page=2).

However, there is a way forward and the steps are quite simple. The following is what I did:

1. Installed Vista Service Pack 1

2. Installed C&C Generals.

3. Right clicked on desktop icon, selected Properties, selected Compatibility tab, then from the drop down menu select Windows XP Service Pack 2, ticked the little box and then clicked on Apply.

4. The final step was then to download the manual patch version 1.07 for the game.

5. The Game is ready to play.

The patch updates the generals.exe , as well as the data file for this game. Failure to apply the patch will result in the game freezing on the second splash screen.

There is a version 1.08 patch that can be installed in-game. But I preferred a manual patch that can be stored on a ROM for any necessary future use.

Now, if anyone can tell me how I can get this 2 disc game to work in Wine for Linux Mint , I'll be extremely grateful.

A Letter From Scout Camp (Joke)

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie

Only In America!

A woman was shot while sitting on a toilet in Florida.

A bullet from a gun that was accidentally dropped injured a woman sitting in a toilet cubicle, according to the local constabulary.

Police said the bullet hit the 53-year-old woman in the lower left leg. She was taken to a nearby hospital with minor injuries.

She was sitting on the toilet in a hotel bathroom when a woman in the next cubicle accidentally let her handgun slip out of her waist holster. The weapon discharged when it hit the ground.

Police said the gun belonged to a 56-year-old woman who has a concealed weapons permit.

The case has been referred to the State Attorney's Office to determine if any charges will be filed.

This is just unbelievably rotten luck. At least she only sustained a minor injury.
----------------
I'll resume my flatting memoirs in a few days.

My Flatting Memoirs Part 1

Friday June 12th 2009 marks the twentieth anniversary since I left my parents home.

To celebrate my twenty years of independence, I thought I would write about some of my bizarre/humourous flatting experiences. I'm now married, therefore my flatting stories are becoming more historical ... and possibly occasionally hysterical as time moves on.

I have made many great friends via flatting over the years, but I have also lived with some truly bizarre, or even quite annoying individuals over the years. To protect the names of various folk I've flatted with, I'll just refer to them as an alphabetical letter.

My very first flat comprised of a six bedroom place in Moray Place Dunedin. I moved in, on the 12th June 1989. My bedroom was not much bigger than a shoebox, but it was comfortable and easy to heat in the winter..

On the whole, my flatmates here were quite good. But even good flatmates can cause strife at the inconvenience of others.

For example, Flatmate F rarely did any cleaning or housework. He sat on his lounge chair eating cold fish, peaches, baked beans or spaghetti straight out of tins with a fork or spoon, just so that he could avoid washing dishes.

When it came to F's turn to empty the rubbish and place it outside for collection, he just could not be bothered. In the end we resorted to taping the rubbish bag to the outside of his bedroom door and taping the letters 'M T ME' on the bag.

F also locked himself out of his bedroom one time. He decided that the best way to break into his own bedroom, was to remove ceiling tiles in the adjoining hallway, and climb up and over the wall and and enter his bedroom via the ceiling. Unfortunately, F was rather heavy (all that canned food and McDee's of course), so when he attempted to climb over the ceiling, the metal brackets holding the tiles buckled under his weight. He crashed through his ceiling, sending broken tiles, dust and himself crashing on to his furniture below. I had seem his feet disappear up through the ceiling and we all heard the noise.

Flatmate A was a lad from a small town who enjoyed partying. One Friday night, when having a few drinks, he vomited down the back of a large night-store heater. The heater slowly warmed up this mess and created a pungent smell which rendered the lounge almost uninhabitable.

Eventually, Flatmate A was made to clean up his mess on Sunday night, ... 48 hours later!

The Printer is Broken

Another Joke: ...

When I Say I'm Broke ... I'm Broke!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', I'm broke!' and I proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my nice new hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a great appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'I'm broke' do you not understand?'

A Good Joke ...

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE hiding under my bed!
… SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude the Dr. said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!’


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Have You Ever Been Rick Rolled?

I have on occassion clicked on videos posted on sites such as Youtube, only to endure the misfortune of being directed to a video clip of Rick Astley's 1987 song Never Gonna Give You Up.

Has this ever happened to you?

Apparently, there are many seemingly unrelated links/URL's that are somehow obfuscated, which direct many unfortunate souls to this dreadful cacophony.

There is even an internet term called Rickrolling (e.g. You have been Rickrolled).

If you're a fan of Never Gonna Give You Up, then this has probably made your day.

For the rest of us though, we will need to recuperate and detoxify our brains by listening to our favourite music.

Tank Tops in Reccessionary America!

True Redneck Tank Top!!!!

This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama,
Walmart while she was going to the Flea market.
This is hysterical! Look at it closely.

Now I ask you...
Who ... stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hummmm...I can make a nice summer top from these!!

On the other hand... a few bucks for a three pack is a good price!!

Knife Trick - Don't Try This One Kids!

This video is self explanatory.

Confusing Overseas Call Centres.

In this modern age of economic globalisation, some local companies have chosen to cut costs through relocating their call centres to foreign countries, for the benefit of saving on labour costs.

Apart from the obvious effect of local jobs being taken offshore, I have experienced another concern.

Recently, I received a call from a lady representating a local company. She was intending to persuade me into purchasing a product or service that her particular company had on offer.

She was very likely to have been calling me from from a large overseas sub-continental nation boasting a population of over a billion souls.

Unfortunately, as english didn't appear to be her first language, I struggled to understand the specifics of what she was trying to sell me, mainly due to her sentence structure, tonal language and her accent.

I politely proceeded to point out, that I was confused ... and I could not understand the details of what she was saying.

The upshot here was, she was unable to effectively market what her company had on offer.

Have you experienced confusing overeas call centres?

U.S. Plan To Beat The Recession (A Funny Paper):

Happy New Year!

George Bush's war on terror ended on a very leathery note. Not what I'd call weapons of mass destruction. But had the targeting of these projectiles been successful, the loss of dignity would have been terrifying!