What A Header!

Think this player got a little too close, during the opposition's throw in.

Bear Surprise

LA Galaxy vs Oceania All Stars (Mt Smart Stadium) Auckland)

Alan Gordon has just scored a second goal, from a great Beckham pass, for LA Galaxy against Oceania All-Stars and the match is only 13 minutes old!

This game looks like it will become a one way scorefest.

Update: McDonald scores on the half hour mark from a Beckham corner kick.

No change in the score for the rest of the game. However, Edgar Davids injected a lot of his flair into the second half.

Full Time:
LA Galaxy 3 Oceania All Stars 0

Confused in Georgia

I could not stop laughing when I read this! BTW, if you have trouble reading the answer on your screen, I've retyped it here:

"You are in the state of Georgia. The nation of Georgia is on the other side of the world."

New Zealand Rugby League World Champions!

Wow, this is unbelievable. Most people would have predicted the Australian juggernaut to win the final. But after trailing a narrow 12-16 at half time, the Kiwis absolutely dominated in the second half to make rugby league history and overhaul the Aussies to win 34-20!

Ubuntu 8.10 Resolved my Wireless Issue!

I have just upgraded from Ubuntu 8.04 to 8.10 on my Presario V3000 Notebook.

After all the grief I endured with the wireless connection using 8.04, I now have all of my Ubuntu wireless hassles behind me. The wireless connection on 8.10 works fine! All I had to do was search for the hardware driver and implement my network settings.

If you own a Presario in the range of the V2000-6000 series notebooks that use the Broadcom B43 network driver, then this info could prove very helpful to you.

Joke: Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Indian Restaurant in Paris 2005

Whilst having an evening meal in an Indian Restaurant in Paris, I was quite aware that French was probably the second language of the Indian staff. This left me thinking that English was probably a distant third language ... if I was lucky! The menu had all the items listed in the mandatory French, but also included a faint grey English translation in tiny lettering. Therefore, I was able to avoid escargot and grenoiulle(?).
Because of the extremely limited vocabulary of the restauranteurs, I was on the receiving end of statements such as, "You eat. You sit." I knew they weren't being rude as they were obviously trying to communicate with the ignorant foreigner (me!).

This leads me to a question:

If cows are considered sacred animals in India, why can we buy Beef Vindaloo at an Indian restaurant?

Elephant Bum Job

We all experience the occasional Monday morning blues, we can even make it to Wednesday and think "Man, we're only half way there", or our brains just want to switch off by Friday lunchtime.
Some of us may even think we suffer badly at the hands of irritant people or frustrating machinery.

Now, the next time you want to complain about your job, spare a thought for this guy ...

Now say this with me, "I will not complain about my job, ever again!

Asbestos ... Ah Best Not!

Earlier today, I scrambled home from work via shank's pony for some lunch.

I was in the process of anticipating a yummy bite ... when the phone rang.

My Mother-In-Law was the caller. She informed us that she'd won a gold medal in a long distance walking race, held in Hamilton (our soon to be city of residence). Great news.

Nearly ten minutes after that phone call, the peace was shattered once again by the sound of the phone ringing.

This time, the caller was some guy who claimed that our insurance company had arranged for his outfit to remove asbestos from our lounge. After a minor palpitation, I queried him on whether he had the right address. He was meant to contact some unfortunate house holder in Balclutha.

Just one more word ... whew!

Juxtapositioning the thoughts of a Cat and Dog

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary




8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary






Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am. Irritant Scum.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for
now.........

They didn't see this one coming ... crunch!

From XP and Mandrake to Ubuntu and Vista

My notebook was "KIA'd" in the weekend. I now have a Compaq Presario V3000 Notebook which came with Vista installed. Tonight, I have created allocated a 30 gig partition (total is 160) for the installation of Ubuntu. However, I am hoping to get my wireless connection working. The system is able to roam and identify the network. It just doesn't actually succeed in making an internet connection. Does anyone know of an executable command or the correct file I should be amending to achieve this? I am a newbie with Ubuntu, so your advice would be much appreciated.

Timeshares: Don't Believe The Hype

Last week, I received a phone call from an Australian fellow representing a holiday resort company . He alleged that my wife and I had just 'won' $1,000 worth of free holiday travel.

Like most great offers containing financial incentives , I thought there must be strings attached.
And sure enough there were lots of strings. This fellow told us, that in order to claim this 'prize' we had to attend a 90 minute presentation at a local hotel. He also repeatedly asked if our combined income was over $45,000. He stated that we did not have to purchase anything and we'd be under no pressure [cough cough]. He also promised us refreshments , not to mention the chance to enter another 'competition prize draw'. We even had a woman from the same outfit phone us the next night and ask what our income was again.

Anyway, we turned up at this hotel at 5:30 pm on Thursday night last week and we were greeted by bouncer-sized guys, who promptly shepherded us into this conference room ... and locked us in!

To cut a long story short their proposal was:

• That we purchase these credits from [company name censored] that entitle us to stay at selected hotels, condos or apartments in different locations around the world. The company is in the business of constructing more of these resorts.
  
• The cost of 12,000 credits which would have entitled us to stay for 2-3 weeks in a holiday resort would have cost us $29,560.
• The presenter tried to convince us, that we would be doing a disservice to ourselves and our families, if we didn't accept their offer.
• They were offering us financial terms of $240 per month, plus 12 - 17% interest.
• There was also an annual maintenance fee of $850 odd dollars (which was also prone to increase every year due to inflation - of course).
• We would be referred to as 'owners'. Our money would be placed in a trust fund (separate to the building/maintenance fund).
  

The advantage of this offer was:

• Using your credits, you could stay at one of these selected 5 star resorts, and not worry about paying the nightly room rate per couple or whatever.

The disadvantages of this offer (or reading between the lines, what they try to avoid telling you):

• You would have to pay for your own travel, food, room service, housekeeping, tax and any other holiday related charges.
• You would still need to pay top-up charges for rooms during peak season school holidays, Saturday nights, public holidays etc.
• You would be competing against every other 'owner' out there for available spaces during different parts of the year.
• The Company has the right to determine what resorts/rooms are available or not available.
  
• They can foreclose on your loan, if you are unable to keep up payments.
• The rates for their resorts are over priced, therefore you are making a 'perceived' saving only.
• You would be trying to pay off their loan plus maintenance fees, while simultaneously attempting to budget for a domestic or overseas holiday.
• Servicing a timeshare will dry up your savings.
• Holidays will be more expensive.
  

To cut the crap, I asked the fellow conducting the presentation:

• Where do you get the capital from to build these resorts?, to which he muttered, "From the people." (Protected trust *cough cough* ... yeah right ... NOT!)
• If I lost my income, would my contribution be protected? to which the salesman replied, "Yes, it will be frozen until your situation improves". (Yeah right! I have read many horror stories on the Net of people who have had their timeshares foreclosed. Cut the crap guys!)

Beware the psychological warfare:

• These guys could dance rings around your average used car salesperson.
• They tell you that the presentation is for 90 minutes - we escaped after 2 hours (I have read stories on the Web of people being stuck in the presentation for over 6 hours!).
• In addition to the group presentation, you are allocated a one-on-one session with a salesperson, who's sole intention is to wear you down slowly, with his unrelenting pressure until your head is in a spin.
• If one spouse is almost inclined to think about the offer they will step up the pressure on that spouse's partner.
• There were no food/refreshments - but they did offer us a coffee during their attempted process of getting us to sign.
• Don't believe everything they say, some of it is half truths, some of their garble is not truthful at all.
• They ask you such ridiculous questions as, "Who likes holidays?"
• They tried the following tactic on me: "Come on, purchase our 'Premier' package. If you don't sign today, you will only be eligible for our standard package at a later date (Yeah right!).
  

Be prepared and be alert:

• This is sucker marketing, don't get suckered in.
• Leave your cash, cheque book and credit cards at home
• The $1,000 prize is basically vouchers that entitle you to discounts at the Company's overpriced resorts. You need to spend over a $1,000 to get a $1,000 sort of thing. Since the prices are over inflated, your saving is again perceived only. Plus the vouchers also appear to be another way to lure you to more of these "90 minute" presentations.
  
• Some of their offers of credits can exceed a price of $50,000 (People sell these timeshares on EBay for a tenth of the value, just so that can get out of paying the maintenance fee and other obligations. They usually would have incurred a massive financial loss by that stage).
• They may not not let you view the contract prior to signing it . I didn't see it, but I wasn't intending to sign it anyway.
  

They didn't like it when I told them:

• I could stay at various places in Europe, SE Asia or Aussie for rates that were way cheaper than what they were proposing.
• I told them that I would rather have a mortgage for my own home, rather than a mortgage for the right to access a holiday home occasionally.
• I referred to this as an offer to buy timeshares. The guy on the phone said in a terse tone that these were not timeshares (They are. The only difference between now and what was popular in the eighties is that you are purchasing a time slot for various resorts, as opposed to a timeshare week or two at a particular resort).

Remember:

• Plan your own holiday, shop online and look around for bargains, it's always cheaper that way.
• If you really want timeshares, then purchase them at an online auction for a fraction of the developer's price. Don't forget, you will still have to service the yearly maintenance fee.
  
• If you do get suckered in, there is a clause to rescind the agreement for period of a few days only, could be 5 to 10 days, maybe more, depending on where you live. My research, since our presentation has revealed that these guys will avoid mentioning or showing you the clause for rescinding the agreement at all costs. Once the cooling off period has expired, you are trapped in an iron clad agreement. You have to be willing to incur a massive financial loss in the range of tens of thousands when selling timeshares. The developer may even invoke a penalty clause in some cases.

I'm just glad we never signed.

When Married Couples Shouldn't Hyphenate Their Names

New Zealand's Hilarious Moronical Political Circus

Election year silly season is under way!

One of our esteemed politicians, moonlighting as a fill-in radio station broadcaster, has told the station listeners that he did not want morons voting for his party.

Responding to a listener, who sent him an e-mail saying Mr Politician was a lost cause and he would soon be out of politics, Mr Politician said there were a lot of morons in New Zealand and they could vote for any party they liked, but he did not want them to vote for his party!

In yet another colourful blight on our much maligned political landscape, Mr Politician N0.2 recently told an emailer who was concerned about the extremely high number of people emmigrating to Australia to "Please join them".

Maybe us morons could vote for this guy instead ... maybe not ... hahaha!

For the purpose of maintaining the apolitical nature of this blog, I've refrained from mentioning the actual names of the politicians, their parties and the radio station concerned.

Below is a voting form with more realistic candidates.

At least neither of these candidates will label us morons.


---------------------------------------------------------------


GENERAL ELECTION VOTING FORM

CANDIDATE 1: Gollum! (Standing for the Smeagol's Sneaking Hobbit Party)

CANDIDATE 2: Bean! (Standing for the Bean Adder Serious Party)

Auto Club Roadside Rescue In Pakistan

Hmmmm, I wonder how these guys could deal with a flat battery.

One Crazy Week.

Here's a couple of funny things that happen to me over the last week. They could be put down to being caused by the winter blues, being over tired and busy or just sheer stupidity on my part.

Firstly, I received a cellphone from my employer last week. The phone arrived by mail and first appeared as a neat package on my desk. I responded by opening the box and wow! .. it was fully charged up and ready to go. I noted that the menu system was quite different to the format I had experienced in various personal cellphones I've had over the years. Anyhow, as the week progressed, I anticipated becoming more familiar familiar with with all its functions, bells and whistles.

On Monday this week, I started to question why I had not received any calls on my new work phone. I checked the voicemail and heard... ... "If you wish to activate your phone, please contact your nearest ####### retailer for assistance."

In my defense, I can say that I've had a very busy week. Probably not the greatest excuse of all time though.

Secondly, my wife and I attended a social gathering at a friend's place during the weekend. The reason for the celebration was his son's first birthday and the completion (almost!) of his house renovations. We arrived mid-afternoon.

My friends floorspace was adorned with brand new carpet. Therefore, we all had to take our shoes off and leave them on his verandah.

I indulged in some of his wife's yummy food and some fantastic fellowship. The turnover of guests was quite substantial. By the time we prepared to go home, my friend's house had filled up with a completely different group of people.

It was dark outside as we said goodbye to everyone, put our shoes back on and drove home.

The next morning, after I had showered and dressed, I was getting some shoes on and ... I discovered that I didn't recognise them! ... They are not mine!

I explained my shoe problem to my friend. After his laughter had subsided , he began to sympathise with me and he admitted that the electrician had yet to connect the lighting on his verandah.

My friend has yet to hear from anyone claiming to have lost their shoes. My original shoes have also disappeared from his house.

I will hang on to these shoes for a while, and If I don't hear from anyone looking for their Steelers, then I 'll start wearing them. They are actually a perfect fit.

Random Morsels

When I was near Malacca (a.k.a Melaka) in 2005, I had to pay up for the use of a toilet. I could deal with that fact. However, I was amazed when I saw individual sheets of toilet paper pierced on a spike being sold. Hole anyone?


The military junta in Myanmar (Burma) placed former Prime Minister Khin Nyunt under house arrest in 2004, after he suggested a subtle and gradual introduction of democracy. This is despite his proposal suggesting that the army would continue to pull strings behind the scenes. Is that strict, or what?

Are We Heading For An Economic Depression?

This is a complex matter, so I will approach the topic with this analogy:

In early days, folk would frequently use gold or silver as hard currency. The downside being that gold or silver is awfully heavy to lug around.

For convenience, a person would ask a goldsmith to look after that person's hard currency. The goldsmith would then issue the 'investor' with a paper receipt. The goldsmith would then wait for someone else, who was in need of some gold or silver, to turn up on his doorstep. The goldsmith would then lend the gold or silver he'd obtained from the investor to the borrower and charge them interest.

Furthermore, the goldsmith would then think, "Hang on a minute, I could make even more gold or silver out of this scheme." Subsequently, another person wanting 'a loan' would turn up and the goldsmith would issue this 'borrower' with a paper receipt in lieu of hard currency, and also charge them interest. Furthermore, he would similarly issue yet another paper receipt to a third borrower in much the same manner.

Now the first borrower who obtained the hard gold and silver would use it to purchase a horse and cart. This would enable the borrower to travel from village to village in order to sell his corn. Unfortunately, The horse slips on a wet embankment, breaks a leg and destroys the cart.

This borrower, now unable to sell his corn, has no idea how he can pay the interest due to the goldsmith (never mind the actual loan).

The other two borrowers have their wheat crops destroyed by a storm and an accompanying flood.

The investor, who lost his roof in the storm, now wants some of his gold from the goldsmith to pay for roof repairs.

So what have we got now?

We have one greedy goldsmith, who was charging interest on currency he never owned.

We have one investor and three borrowers, who are now virtually broke.

The investor is chasing the goldsmith for return of his investment(along with interest) and the goldsmith is chasing the borrowers for payment plus interest. However, there is no gold or silver to be found amongst any of these folk.

In the United States, there are banks that have actually lent up to 40,000 times their capital value to borrowers! During times of prosperity, banks and financial institutions are so enthusiastic about lending us money they don't actually have. These lenders need to be start being more proactive in avoiding over saturated lending. This would allow for a softer impact on people and business during economic dips.

In 1928- 1929, during the run up to the Great Depression, the issues facing the United States weren't too far removed from what they are facing now (massive government/business/ personal debt, deflating property prices, banks foreclosing on mortgage and business loans, workers being laid off, car prices plummeting, consumer spending and confidence diving and the value of the U.S. dollar pushing the currency markets off balance). All we need now, are people, nervous about losing their homes or businesses, pulling their money out of Wall Street, which will in turn cause more financial ruin for businesses and banks.

Unfortunately, whenever the U.S. (being the world's largest economy) coughs and splutters, many other nations end up catching a cold.

With the global economy being more integrated than ever, whatever happens to large economies overseas, will have a greater bearing on what happens here in New Zealand, especially since we are so reliant on our exports in agriculture and tourism. Our agricultural products are fetching good prices overseas, due to high food prices. Unfortunately, because of international pricing, it is becoming harder for the average Kiwi family to budget for food prices that have inflated 28 percent in the last year! Ironic, given that we produce more than we could eat nationally. Thus, consumers are cutting back, and the owner of the average family restaurant is struggling ('Eating out' is one of the first sacrifices consumers make, in times of economic decline).

The current food pricing situation appears to be driven by increasing demand in China and India, but also by the diversion of food crops (particularly U.S. cornfields) for the production of bio-fuels. This is ironic, given that the oil prices are also contributing to food price rises through the increased cost of transportation.

In the 1930's, the Great Depression, brought on what could retrospectively be called international trade wars. An example of this was when the United States, desperate for cash, slapped tariffs on imports. Canada, who was a big exporter to the United States, retaliated by slapping on tariffs on all imported U.S. goods. What saved Canada from absolute ruin was the fact that Britain offered Canada, a preferential trade deal (India, Australia, New Zealand and the rest of the British Commonwealth were part of this deal as well). Canada' s production levels still fell to almost 50 per cent ... and Canada's unemployment rate shot to 30 percent by 1932.

It wasn't until armament and mobilisation ramped up leading into World War II, that many nations were able to shake off the effects of high unemployment and low productivity, albeit that prosperity did not eventuate for many until well after the war and the associated rationing had ended.

As a side note, the Soviet Union was virtually immune to the effects of the 1930's economic shambles, due to the fact that it's economy operated in isolation. After the 1919-1920 revolution and civil war, the U.S.S.R. enjoyed continued industrial expansion that continued for decades. The U.S.S.R eventually struck it's nadir in 1990.

With housing, food and oil prices being so high, it is only a matter of time before international deflationary pressure is brought to bear on these products, squeezing the margins of many producers. Meanwhile, people and businesses will continue to struggle with the increased costs.

Developing nations are already feeling severe effects from rising food prices, with an even greater threat of starvation looming over many countries on the African continent. Fuel prices obviously exacerbate food prices even more, through the increased cost of transportation.

Another potentially nasty side affect of rising food prices, is the increased likelihood of riots across the world and even the overthrow of governments. The Prime Minister of Haiti has already lost his job, due to high food prices.

The Great Depression of the 1930's lead to the election of extreme governments in many nations. Some were Socialist left wing and others were far right. Governments with extreme policies had a tendency to send some nations down rocky paths during the 1930's 1940's. However I think I could blab on for hours on this one, so I'll stop here.

In short we need to remember what happened during the 1930's, and initiate strategies to avoid a repeat of what is essentially a nightmare scenario. We need to consciously moderate borrowing and thus avoid a run on banks and financial institutions, during times of crisis. We need to save money. We need to stop living of our credit cards and create financial plans to pay off our debts. We need to view housing as a steady investment and not a quickfire cash crop. We should look at reducing/removing tax on essential items such as food. We should have an alternative plan thought out, in case the global market collapses (e.g. sell and produce more for the domestic economy).

Please note, I am not an economist, I am an economic layman!

Thanks for reading.

Nervous Flyers and Seat Space Invaders

Have you ever sat next to a fidgety person an airline flight? Or sat next to someone who slumped their large elbow across the top of the arm rest and encroached your seat space?

Early yesterday morning, for the purpose of attending a meeting, I caught a flight to Wellington. My boarding pass stated that I was allocated a window seat. Kudos, I thought. Once I boarded the aircraft, I slung my backpack in the overhead locker, grabbed my book in anticipation of a good read , and made myself comfortable on my allocated seat. However, as the flight was preparing to take off, I quickly learned that my tranquility was to be shattered, by this middle aged lady who occupied the seat next to me. She started knocking me persistently with her arm and shoulder. I then noticed that she was constantly fidgeting in her seat for most of the flight. I know this wasn't deliberate, but she was very annoying all the same.


Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Firstly I would like to say thank you for choosing to fly Mandarin Airlines. As we Taxi out to the runway, please make yourself comfortable ... and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane, please look to your LEFT.







I have learned over the years that when you travel, there are 4 main types of airline passengers to be aware of.

1. The Seat Encroacher (a.k.a. The Seat Space Invader): These passengers are usually well built people with stocky arms. Their effect is greatly exacerbated, when they indulge in reading a full size newspaper. Symptoms: A large elbow or foreman may slump over your forearm (worse if you have a short sleeve shirt on) Occasionally, the passenger may take a deep breath or sigh, before wriggling around slowly to find a more comfortable posture. This may happen several times during a flight. These passengers occasionally work on laptops, which can be annoying as well, as they will constantly rub the side of your arm or shoulder as they type.
Warning sign: A well built person walking along the isle with a laptop or newspaper. Cure: Ask them politely to give you more room. This does not work in all cases.

2. The Nervous Flyer (a.k.a. The Fidgeter). These passengers can turn up in all guises. Symptoms: Restlessness, a repeated tendency to jam their hands (either open palms or closed fists) down between their thighs and squeeze, Quickly slide their hands up and down their legs or arm rests repeatedly, a tendency to bump the passengers in adjacent seats with all that fidgeting. In more advanced cases the passenger will hold on tightly to the arm rests. Warning Signs: Passenger will have a very concerned look on their face. Passenger will ask flight attendants or fellow passengers questions, such as, " How long will this flight take?" or " Do you think this will be a bumpy one?". Cure: Three things reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance. Tell them something like "Don't worry it is quite safe up here. Down on the ground, your chances of being savaged by a pack of vicious or rabid dogs are far greater."[Joke].

3. The Seat Recliner (a.k.a The Dozer or Bouncer): This passenger chooses to recline the seat a fair way. Symptoms: Passenger reclines close to the maximum angle. Sometimes they won't sit still and this creates a bouncy motion that can be very annoying to the unfortunate passenger sitting directly behind them. Bouncing seats that hover directly above your nose or meal tray are not fun at all. Flights with seat mounted movie screens can make for hard viewing at the mercy of a bouncer. Warning Signs:Passenger boards the plane with the appearance of being tired and may even carry a cushion or pillow. Cure: Strong turbulence can cause The Seat Recliner to sit upright. Flight staff may also direct these people to place their seats upright in certain situations (aircraft landing or passenger discomfort).

4: The Talker (Have to admit that during earlier years, I have crept into this category) : Passenger will talk non stop to you during the flight, even if you are reading. Can be an overkill situation if you are tired or trying to study. It is good to be friendly and start a conversation, but hey, forgetting to pause long enough to breathe may cause these people to pass out.. Symptoms: Self explanatory. Warning Signs: No reading material. Cure: Interesting reading material for them or an Ipod for you.

5. The Screamer: I have only ever spotted one or two of these passengers. One was particularly memorable. Disposition: Has a serious fear of flying. Sympton: Self Explanatory - they scream loudly. Can also be exacerbated by any level of turbulence. Cure: Get them off the plane as soon as possible, or if they catch their breath between screaming long enough, tell them my stupid joke about rabid dogs and they'll ask you to leave them alone!

Library Books Are Not Amphibious Creatures

Last Friday night, I spent 3 hours flying home from Auckland. Upon arriving home, I enjoyed a fantastic roast meal cooked by Kat. However, I was feeling sore and tired from travelling, so I thought a hot bath would be a good idea. Whilst relaxing in the bath, I like to enjoy a good book. On this occasion, I was reading a library book.

As I was reading the library book, I started noticing that my eyes were getting heavy with tiredness. I started having thoughts about what might happen to the book if I dozed off.

Without warning, I snapped out of an unexpected micro nap, and realised to my utter horror that I had accidentally dipped one corner of this book in bathwater. Even library books are subject to the capillary effect!

A Survival Guide For Dealing With Drenched Library Books.

1. Quickly remove the book from the aquatic environment.

2. Take a few deep breaths, until your panicking subsides.

3. Carefully separate the soaked pages.

4. Open up all the other pages, so that entire book is fanned out.

5. Stand the book up on one end in the hot water cupboard.

6. After 2 or 3 days, flatten the book by placing it under a heavy object.

7. Continue reading the book in a dry place.

Daylight Savings, Hotel Foyer Scene and the Highlanders.

I went for a run up Mount Cargill earlier today. I now feel completely stuffed. Nearly sprained my ankle on the way back down.

Daylight savings ended last night, and it is now quite dark in Dunedin at 8:00 pm. The Autumn Equinox has been and gone. Therefore, in less than three months the sun will set in Dunedin at 4: 56 pm. This means that I can expect to head off for work in darkness and return home from work in darkness.

Hopefully, future winters in Hamilton will mean noticeably longer days, as Kat and I will be moving there in a few months.

Last week, when I was working in Auckland, my employer put me up in a fine hotel. On Thursday night, after finishing work, I was passing through the hotel foyer and noticed one of the hotel staff dealing with a visibly upset guest. The female guest was crying quite audibly and she mentioning something about towels . I thought to myself, "How could anyone get extremely upset over towels?"

Finally, the Highlanders won 29-20 over the Lions. As people often say, there are always those of us, less fortunate, further down the food chain.

A Visible Question, Don't Die in Sarpourenx and A Celebrity(!) Nightmare.

I discovered recently, that I had presented a visible question to a passer by.

You might ask, "What is a visible question?"

The answer is: Me, standing in a supermarket car park, next to my car and holding up jumper lead cables!

In Sarpourenx, south west France, Mayor Gerard Lalanne has posted an ordinance in his Council office that states: "All persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the Parish. Offenders will be severely punished".


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Today, I was surfing the Net, and I stumbled across bizarre information about a New Zealand girl who aspires to be a New Zealand celebrity and/or politician. After I checked many sources, I have composed the following summary of what she has achieved so far:

• 2004 - She appeared in one episode of the reality T.V. show Captive. Viewers and contestants stated that she exhibited unusual behaviour on this programme.
• 2005 - She appeared at an audition for New Zealand Idol singing Malibu "Crash and Burn" by Hole. The judges told her that she was a talent free zone, then she responded by losing her cool and swearing repeatedly as she left the set. [I just finished watching footage online. What a shocker!]
  
• 2005 - She undertook modeling in an explicit photo-shoot for an x-rated magazine. She was paid $400. She was also interviewed about this on 20/20. Her pictures were described by her 20/20 interviewer as being very graphic.
  
• 2006 - She briefly worked as an extra for Shortland Street. She signed a standard terms and conditions agreement that would have included a confidentiality clause. However, she went on to leak information about the show's plot to the public via the internet. She is now banned from Shortland Street. Additionally, she is banned from all programs produced by the production company. She denied that she had signed such an agreement. [When I was a movie extra, I recall signing up to such terms and conditions.]
  

She has also inflamed numerous student magazines, radio stations and internet forums. I have also discovered that she has been banned from at least 14 internet forums.

I dare not mention her name, as I have approached the above topic objectively and flaming on my blog would not be a good thing.

I can only conclude, that she appears to be on a journey towards notoriety.













A funny toilet streaker being tackled by security.

Crazy American Laws

It's 17 minutes after midnight, and I am working on a polytechnic assignment. Thought I should take a break, and update my blog.

Today's fodder: Crazy American Laws.

The respective local constabulary would have a nightmare, if they attempted to enforce some of these!

In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

In Philadelphia, you can’t put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760.

Alaska law says that you can’t look at a moose from an airplane.


In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.

In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.

It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven with the steering wheel.

California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.

In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.

In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.

In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.

In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.

In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front.

A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.

In Louisiana, a bill was introduced years ago in the State House of Representatives that fixed a ceiling on haircuts for bald men of 25 cents.

In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.


In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer !

In Kentucky, it’s the law that a person must take a bath once a year.

In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.

In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.

In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.

In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.

In Providence, Rhode Island, it is against the law to jump off a bridge.

In the State of Kansas, you’re not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street.

In Florida, it is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.

In New Jersey, cabbage can’t be sold on Sunday.

In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose in the street!

In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight.

In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it is unlawful to leave chewing gum in public places.

In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.

In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.

In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatos in clam chowder.

In Washington State, you can’t carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.

In San Francisco, there is an ordinance, which bans the picking up and throwing of used confetti.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a merchant to force a person into his place of business for the purpose of making a sale.

It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.

In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.

In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light !

In Phoenix, Arizona, you can’t walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on.

In California, a law created in 1925 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples.

In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.

In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.

In Georgia, it’s against the law to spread a false rumor.

In West Virginia, one can’t cook sauerkraut or cabbage due to the odors and the offence is subject to imprisonment.

In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.

The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time.

In Texas, it is still a “hanging offense” to steal cattle


When I was in Singapore, I spotted a sign inside an internet cafe that stated "The Playing of Minesweeper or Computer Chess is prohibited. Offenders will be handed over to the police."

How to Irritate People

Found this List of 32 ways to annoy people:

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Insist that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniff incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."*#

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.*#

Here are some of my own additions:

33. Start a conversation with someone, while wearing stereo headphones.*

34. Deliberately rattle the loud plastic bag you are packing items into.

35. Turn up to a formal function dressed in a t-shirt, shorts and jandels and hang around the the best dressed guests.*

36. Pop a paper bag in the library.

37. Say "Ah-hem!" repeatedly, while standing in a long queue.

38. Only look sideways at the person you are talking to.#

39. When you are sitting at a window seat on long haul aircraft flights, get up every 5 minutes to use the toilet, or stretch your legs.

40. Recline your seat back, as far as possible on aircraft flights.#

41. Park your bicycle on a car park space.

42. Set your cell phone alarm to go off loudly, during meetings at work.

43. Ask the supermarket checkout operator to weigh your 14 tomatoes individually.

44. Ask for black coffee with milk.*

45. Ask for white coffee with no milk.*

46. Turn the bathroom taps off hard, so that they become difficult to turn on.*#

47. Hand over $100 for a $1 drink.*

48. Offer to fix other peoples electronics by dismantling the parts, and then saying "I don't know how to fix this!'"

49. Burp over food in the supermarket.

50. Ask a bank teller for a $100 note in exchange for one thousand 10 cent pieces.

51. Ask for a $1 discount at the $2 shop.

52. Go to your rugby team's home game, and cheer for the visiting team.

53. During the big game, adjust the television aerial, even though the reception was previously perfect.

54. During an aircraft flight, start a coversation about plane crashes.*

# Means I have been on the receiving end of this.
* Means I have been guilty of this heinous act.

Rubik's Twisted Nightmare

Ever since my early days at intermediate school, I have been able to solve the standard 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube (pictured above). Now many years later, things have taken a drastic turn. I came across this 5X5X5 monstrosity (pictured below) at a local shop, and being an old veteran war-horse of the Cube, I just had to pick this up.  I won't solve this new beast in a hurry, since the difficulty is definitely steeper. At least I have all the corners sussed.

 Erno Rubik invented his "Magic Cube" in 1974 and obtained a Hungarian patent for the Magic Cube in 1975 but he did not take out international patents. The first test batches of the product were produced in late 1977 and released to Budapest toy shops. The Cube was held together with interlocking plastic pieces. In September 1979, a deal was signed with Ideal Toys to bring the Rubik's Cube to the Western world, and the puzzle made its debut at toy fairs in January and February 1980.

Sales of the Rubik's Cube boomed during the early to mid 1980's. During this era, world records for solving the puzzle were set. Times recorded at less than 30

 seconds were not unheard off. My quickest time is a relatively sluggish 4 minutes and 12 seconds.
Movies such as Wil Smith's "Pursuit of Happiness" appear to have assisted in the current resurgence of the puzzle's popularity.

Update:
My latest solving times for the following cubes are:

2x2x2: 1 minute exactly
3x3x3: 4 minutes and eight seconds.
4x4x4: Only 2 pieces away from solving this for the first time.
5x5x5: Only a few pieces on the last layer left to solve.

 

Dictionnaire ... Anglais ... Confusion

Learning foreign languages can be a confusing exercise. 

I have always struggled with french, particularly the use of feminine and masculine words.

However, looking in my own back yard, I can see things from a non-english speaking person's perspective.

Here are some real posers for folk learning english as a second language.

Loosen is an antonym for fasten; However unfasten is a synonym for unloosen!
Dispensible is an antonym for indispensible; However, valuable is a synonym for invaluable.
 
Warning: the following words are self contradicting, and should never be allowed to roam free amongst the english speaking masses.

Unshelled:
Here's a context for this word;  "The peanuts were unshelled.", which could mean "The peanuts had not been removed from their shells." or "The peanuts were removed from their shells."

Awesome:
The original definition of this adjective was "fearsome or mighty"; but the now commonly accepted slang can be used to describe  "enjoyable or fun."

Awful:
As with awesome above, this can mean "inspiring" or more commonly "revolting or terrible". 


Handicap:
This word can mean "an advantage" (e.g. a handicap in golf); or it can be a disadvantage (e.g. a disability).


My brain hurts!

Maybe I should try spanish ... one of these days.

Anyhow, Dunedin is enjoying an awesome summer and the New Zealand team were awe inspiring at the rugby sevens in Wellington.

Pet Aversions ... by Appointment Only.

What are your regular pet aversions or pet dreads in life? My top two choices here have to be attending scheduled dental check-ups and taking the car for a warrant of fitness. Coincidentally, both my pet aversions happen to be twice yearly events, which means I can expect an average strike rate of 91.25 days between such events . Another similarity between my types of aversion are that dentists and mechanics still charge me between $100 and $200 for general maintenance. General maintenance is an optimistic outcome, since it means that I have no actual problems with my teeth or car. A major common denominator I have experienced when there are major issues or problems, is occasionally dentists and mechanics fix what doesn't need fixing and leave alone what needs fixing.

Here are some dentist quotes estimated to the best of my recollecting abilities:

When I was 15, the dentist said: "You' ll need you wisdom teeth out by the time you're 25 or 26."
I asked: "Will it hurt? and will it cost much?" Dentist replied: "Not really, as I will sedate and and anaethetise you. It should cost a few hundred dollars."

When I was 26, the dentist said: "Nah, you won't need your wisdom teeth out. Everything is fine."

When I was 32, I said: "My wisdom teeth have been causing severe pain across my face and giving me bad headaches." Dentist responded with: "We'll book you in for June 6th and have a look." [June was nearly 2 months away and he had no room for emergency bookings.]

My phone call to a new dentist: "I am in severe pain ... ... ... " New dentist replied: "Pop in at 4 o'clock, today."
New dentist shook his head and said: "My, my ... you should have had those out when you were a teenager." [ A month, a few x-rays and 2 visits to an orthodontist later, a specialist surgeon knocked me out completely and removed those darn suckers for a hefty amount ... but he did a great job and I was elated to have more room at the back of my mouth, once the swelling subsided.]

Quotes by the mechanic

Mechanic said: " You car is due for a new cam belt."
I replied: "Hang on a minute, didn't you replace the belt six months ago?"
Mechanic responded with: "Oops ... ... ... ! "

Mechanic on another day said: "Your car is fine, but ... ... ... " [and that was a very expensive 'but' - which rendered his first four words utterly pointless.]

Post your pet aversions here.

Mountains, Poles, 1979 and Aching Muscles

R.I.P. Sir Edmund (1919 - 2008). Picture to the left is his statue in Nepal.

What is probably less mentioned about Sir Ed these days is the fact that he was actually the first person to achieve the triple feat of becoming the first man to stand at the South Pole, stand at the North Pole (accompanied by Neil Armstrong for that one) and obviously stand on the summit of Mount Everest.

In November 1979 Sir Ed missed the ill-fated DC-10 sightseeing flight to the Antarctic, due to competing commitments. This tragedy was a real shock to the families and friends of the passengers and crew and must have been especially hard for Sir Ed, given that one of his friends took the flight in his place.

Speaking of 1979; I remember being at primary school and witnessing some of the destruction of 60 houses in Abbotsford via a landslide (I lived on a nearby hill). Overseas there was a revolution in Iran (which sparked another oil crisis), the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan and the Skylab space station terminated its orbit with a thud in Western Australia.

Fast forward 29 years ... Sir Ed has passed on -- having reached his 89th year, Iran is playing naval war games with the U.S. in the Persian Gulf (oil prices have shot up yet again), the Afghan government is barely controlling Kabul , the U.S.S.R. is no more, the international space station is a mission to keep in orbit, Abbotsford is now probably the most stable suburb in the greater Dunedin area and you can still catch Antarctic sight seeing flights from Melbourne (you even get to swap seats during these flights, so that you always get a window seat at some stage of the journey).

I played tennis with my wife Kat today. I have a muscular strain in my back from a bad night's sleep, therefore I struggled to move around the tennis court, and even bending down to grab the tennis ball was a painful maneuver. It is amazing how muscle stress can be so debilitating. I am going to run a hot bath now. Enjoy your weekend.

It's a crazy world in sport out there

It seems that even with all the mud slinging going down these last few days between the Australian and Indian Cricket teams (allegations of cheating, low quality umpiring and racism ... is calling someone a monkey racist?), other games can still hit the dirt as well. Two Russian ice hockey teams had one of the dirtiest, most violent games in history recently. The winning team scored 7 goals which is miracle considering there wouldn't have been much time to play actual ice hockey as such. Ice hockey seems to be more brutal than that operatic stunt show they call World Wrestling and even more dangerous than good old rugby. Speaking of rugger, I was surprised to see South Africa's most successful provincial coach miss out on being appointed Springbok Coach. The previous national coach has gone, despite his World Cup achievement. Being "P.C." or satisfying that emotional tsunami that occasionally sweeps through sporting officialdom seems to be more important than long term planning or common sense.

Happy New Year and . . .

Hope you all had a great new year.

I am keen to read any weird stories regarding random events you may have seen on the street. Here is one for a bizarre occurrence that I witnessed today:

I ended up doing a double take when I witnessed this fellow walking along the street with a live seagull perched atop his hat. There were 3 or 4 more birds flying in close proximity to this character. After a short time the perched gull would fly away from the top of his hat, then either it or one of the other birds would land on his hat for a few more seconds. The gulls continued repeating this procedure for as long as the guy remained in my sight!

Is this random or what?