Elephant Bum Job

We all experience the occasional Monday morning blues, we can even make it to Wednesday and think "Man, we're only half way there", or our brains just want to switch off by Friday lunchtime.
Some of us may even think we suffer badly at the hands of irritant people or frustrating machinery.

Now, the next time you want to complain about your job, spare a thought for this guy ...

Now say this with me, "I will not complain about my job, ever again!

Asbestos ... Ah Best Not!

Earlier today, I scrambled home from work via shank's pony for some lunch.

I was in the process of anticipating a yummy bite ... when the phone rang.

My Mother-In-Law was the caller. She informed us that she'd won a gold medal in a long distance walking race, held in Hamilton (our soon to be city of residence). Great news.

Nearly ten minutes after that phone call, the peace was shattered once again by the sound of the phone ringing.

This time, the caller was some guy who claimed that our insurance company had arranged for his outfit to remove asbestos from our lounge. After a minor palpitation, I queried him on whether he had the right address. He was meant to contact some unfortunate house holder in Balclutha.

Just one more word ... whew!

Juxtapositioning the thoughts of a Cat and Dog

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary




8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary






Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am. Irritant Scum.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for
now.........

They didn't see this one coming ... crunch!

From XP and Mandrake to Ubuntu and Vista

My notebook was "KIA'd" in the weekend. I now have a Compaq Presario V3000 Notebook which came with Vista installed. Tonight, I have created allocated a 30 gig partition (total is 160) for the installation of Ubuntu. However, I am hoping to get my wireless connection working. The system is able to roam and identify the network. It just doesn't actually succeed in making an internet connection. Does anyone know of an executable command or the correct file I should be amending to achieve this? I am a newbie with Ubuntu, so your advice would be much appreciated.

Timeshares: Don't Believe The Hype

Last week, I received a phone call from an Australian fellow representing a holiday resort company . He alleged that my wife and I had just 'won' $1,000 worth of free holiday travel.

Like most great offers containing financial incentives , I thought there must be strings attached.
And sure enough there were lots of strings. This fellow told us, that in order to claim this 'prize' we had to attend a 90 minute presentation at a local hotel. He also repeatedly asked if our combined income was over $45,000. He stated that we did not have to purchase anything and we'd be under no pressure [cough cough]. He also promised us refreshments , not to mention the chance to enter another 'competition prize draw'. We even had a woman from the same outfit phone us the next night and ask what our income was again.

Anyway, we turned up at this hotel at 5:30 pm on Thursday night last week and we were greeted by bouncer-sized guys, who promptly shepherded us into this conference room ... and locked us in!

To cut a long story short their proposal was:

• That we purchase these credits from [company name censored] that entitle us to stay at selected hotels, condos or apartments in different locations around the world. The company is in the business of constructing more of these resorts.
  
• The cost of 12,000 credits which would have entitled us to stay for 2-3 weeks in a holiday resort would have cost us $29,560.
• The presenter tried to convince us, that we would be doing a disservice to ourselves and our families, if we didn't accept their offer.
• They were offering us financial terms of $240 per month, plus 12 - 17% interest.
• There was also an annual maintenance fee of $850 odd dollars (which was also prone to increase every year due to inflation - of course).
• We would be referred to as 'owners'. Our money would be placed in a trust fund (separate to the building/maintenance fund).
  

The advantage of this offer was:

• Using your credits, you could stay at one of these selected 5 star resorts, and not worry about paying the nightly room rate per couple or whatever.

The disadvantages of this offer (or reading between the lines, what they try to avoid telling you):

• You would have to pay for your own travel, food, room service, housekeeping, tax and any other holiday related charges.
• You would still need to pay top-up charges for rooms during peak season school holidays, Saturday nights, public holidays etc.
• You would be competing against every other 'owner' out there for available spaces during different parts of the year.
• The Company has the right to determine what resorts/rooms are available or not available.
  
• They can foreclose on your loan, if you are unable to keep up payments.
• The rates for their resorts are over priced, therefore you are making a 'perceived' saving only.
• You would be trying to pay off their loan plus maintenance fees, while simultaneously attempting to budget for a domestic or overseas holiday.
• Servicing a timeshare will dry up your savings.
• Holidays will be more expensive.
  

To cut the crap, I asked the fellow conducting the presentation:

• Where do you get the capital from to build these resorts?, to which he muttered, "From the people." (Protected trust *cough cough* ... yeah right ... NOT!)
• If I lost my income, would my contribution be protected? to which the salesman replied, "Yes, it will be frozen until your situation improves". (Yeah right! I have read many horror stories on the Net of people who have had their timeshares foreclosed. Cut the crap guys!)

Beware the psychological warfare:

• These guys could dance rings around your average used car salesperson.
• They tell you that the presentation is for 90 minutes - we escaped after 2 hours (I have read stories on the Web of people being stuck in the presentation for over 6 hours!).
• In addition to the group presentation, you are allocated a one-on-one session with a salesperson, who's sole intention is to wear you down slowly, with his unrelenting pressure until your head is in a spin.
• If one spouse is almost inclined to think about the offer they will step up the pressure on that spouse's partner.
• There were no food/refreshments - but they did offer us a coffee during their attempted process of getting us to sign.
• Don't believe everything they say, some of it is half truths, some of their garble is not truthful at all.
• They ask you such ridiculous questions as, "Who likes holidays?"
• They tried the following tactic on me: "Come on, purchase our 'Premier' package. If you don't sign today, you will only be eligible for our standard package at a later date (Yeah right!).
  

Be prepared and be alert:

• This is sucker marketing, don't get suckered in.
• Leave your cash, cheque book and credit cards at home
• The $1,000 prize is basically vouchers that entitle you to discounts at the Company's overpriced resorts. You need to spend over a $1,000 to get a $1,000 sort of thing. Since the prices are over inflated, your saving is again perceived only. Plus the vouchers also appear to be another way to lure you to more of these "90 minute" presentations.
  
• Some of their offers of credits can exceed a price of $50,000 (People sell these timeshares on EBay for a tenth of the value, just so that can get out of paying the maintenance fee and other obligations. They usually would have incurred a massive financial loss by that stage).
• They may not not let you view the contract prior to signing it . I didn't see it, but I wasn't intending to sign it anyway.
  

They didn't like it when I told them:

• I could stay at various places in Europe, SE Asia or Aussie for rates that were way cheaper than what they were proposing.
• I told them that I would rather have a mortgage for my own home, rather than a mortgage for the right to access a holiday home occasionally.
• I referred to this as an offer to buy timeshares. The guy on the phone said in a terse tone that these were not timeshares (They are. The only difference between now and what was popular in the eighties is that you are purchasing a time slot for various resorts, as opposed to a timeshare week or two at a particular resort).

Remember:

• Plan your own holiday, shop online and look around for bargains, it's always cheaper that way.
• If you really want timeshares, then purchase them at an online auction for a fraction of the developer's price. Don't forget, you will still have to service the yearly maintenance fee.
  
• If you do get suckered in, there is a clause to rescind the agreement for period of a few days only, could be 5 to 10 days, maybe more, depending on where you live. My research, since our presentation has revealed that these guys will avoid mentioning or showing you the clause for rescinding the agreement at all costs. Once the cooling off period has expired, you are trapped in an iron clad agreement. You have to be willing to incur a massive financial loss in the range of tens of thousands when selling timeshares. The developer may even invoke a penalty clause in some cases.

I'm just glad we never signed.

When Married Couples Shouldn't Hyphenate Their Names