Mother-In-Law Joke With A Difference.

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Glenda, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here, she would never do such a thing!

There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation ....

she didn't receive your E-mail!"

Junk Mail

Found it ironic, that the delivery person who dispatched some circulars in our letterbox, included a used Chupa Chup stick, sandwiched between 2 pages. This really enforces the concept of "junk mail".

Liquid Litter

Tonight, being a Friday night, my wife and I purchased dinner from a local Chinese takeaway. On perusal of the printed menu board, I noticed that you could order a 1.5 litter drink. A 1.5 litter drink? I wonder what litter flavour consists of.

The amusing thing is, that someone had attempted to correct "litter" by placing a slither of semi-transparent sticky tape over one of the "t"s.

I guess at the end of the day, "liter" in American format, is closer to litre than litter, though not quite there.

See for yourself, go to The Flying Dragon Takeaways in Cambridge, NZ.

Please Divert Your Course

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Sardines in Oil ... 2010 Style!

The Rules of Cricket Explained

The rules of cricket explained No. 1:

The pie metaphor.

Right. So the guy from the other team is called a "bowler" and he's trying to knock your pies down before you can eat them. He throws with an overhand motion, releasing the ball before he steps into the crease, usually bouncing the ball on the ground to make it harder for the pie-eater to pick up. To protect your pies, you have a bat, and when he throws the ball, you swing the bat and try to swat the ball away. If you hit it, you and the other pie-eater switch places and then you can eat one of his pies.

The rules of cricket explained No. 2:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he is out. When they are all out, the side that's been out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

"When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out, he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who are out all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Airport Security Event

Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'
Passenger : 'Batman'
Customs Official : 'What's your name!?'
Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'
Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'
Passenger : 'Super-man'
Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'
Passenger : 'Yes'
Customs Official : 'Arrest this guy...


When they had him in custody, he was asked to show his identification card: (scroll down)

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

I received this particularly funny list from someone at work. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.



AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM  DOWN THE STAIRS

Philosophical Consumption.

The philosophy of democracy can sometimes be skewed towards three wolves and one sheep holding a vote to determine what's for dinner!

Finger Puppet Instructions

Someone bought me finger puppets, as a joke for a Christmas 'Secret Santa'. The product was made in China. Here are the instructions as listed on the packaging:

• Put it into mouth will cause dangers of suffocation
• Play under protector's protection [this one's a classic]
• Do not use, damages, distortion product for your safety
• Please do not throw and cast it - in order to avoid injury and damage to the goods
• Do not give it to the children under 4 years
• Please do not put it near fire

Distortion product for your safety, is rather amusing.

Instructions prepared by those, who don't use English as their first language, always make for hilarious reading.

A Letter From Scout Camp (Joke)

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie

My Flatting Memoirs Part 1

Friday June 12th 2009 marks the twentieth anniversary since I left my parents home.

To celebrate my twenty years of independence, I thought I would write about some of my bizarre/humourous flatting experiences. I'm now married, therefore my flatting stories are becoming more historical ... and possibly occasionally hysterical as time moves on.

I have made many great friends via flatting over the years, but I have also lived with some truly bizarre, or even quite annoying individuals over the years. To protect the names of various folk I've flatted with, I'll just refer to them as an alphabetical letter.

My very first flat comprised of a six bedroom place in Moray Place Dunedin. I moved in, on the 12th June 1989. My bedroom was not much bigger than a shoebox, but it was comfortable and easy to heat in the winter..

On the whole, my flatmates here were quite good. But even good flatmates can cause strife at the inconvenience of others.

For example, Flatmate F rarely did any cleaning or housework. He sat on his lounge chair eating cold fish, peaches, baked beans or spaghetti straight out of tins with a fork or spoon, just so that he could avoid washing dishes.

When it came to F's turn to empty the rubbish and place it outside for collection, he just could not be bothered. In the end we resorted to taping the rubbish bag to the outside of his bedroom door and taping the letters 'M T ME' on the bag.

F also locked himself out of his bedroom one time. He decided that the best way to break into his own bedroom, was to remove ceiling tiles in the adjoining hallway, and climb up and over the wall and and enter his bedroom via the ceiling. Unfortunately, F was rather heavy (all that canned food and McDee's of course), so when he attempted to climb over the ceiling, the metal brackets holding the tiles buckled under his weight. He crashed through his ceiling, sending broken tiles, dust and himself crashing on to his furniture below. I had seem his feet disappear up through the ceiling and we all heard the noise.

Flatmate A was a lad from a small town who enjoyed partying. One Friday night, when having a few drinks, he vomited down the back of a large night-store heater. The heater slowly warmed up this mess and created a pungent smell which rendered the lounge almost uninhabitable.

Eventually, Flatmate A was made to clean up his mess on Sunday night, ... 48 hours later!

The Printer is Broken

Another Joke: ...

When I Say I'm Broke ... I'm Broke!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', I'm broke!' and I proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my nice new hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a great appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'I'm broke' do you not understand?'

A Good Joke ...

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE hiding under my bed!
… SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude the Dr. said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!’


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Tank Tops in Reccessionary America!

True Redneck Tank Top!!!!

This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama,
Walmart while she was going to the Flea market.
This is hysterical! Look at it closely.

Now I ask you...
Who ... stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hummmm...I can make a nice summer top from these!!

On the other hand... a few bucks for a three pack is a good price!!

What A Header!

Think this player got a little too close, during the opposition's throw in.

Confused in Georgia

I could not stop laughing when I read this! BTW, if you have trouble reading the answer on your screen, I've retyped it here:

"You are in the state of Georgia. The nation of Georgia is on the other side of the world."

Joke: Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Juxtapositioning the thoughts of a Cat and Dog

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary




8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary






Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am. Irritant Scum.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for
now.........