Mother-In-Law Joke With A Difference.

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Glenda, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here, she would never do such a thing!

There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation ....

she didn't receive your E-mail!"

Please Divert Your Course

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Sardines in Oil ... 2010 Style!

Doctor Joke: Brilliant!

I love this Doctor! I wonder if he practices locally!



Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A:Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A Good Joke ...

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE hiding under my bed!
… SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude the Dr. said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!’


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

U.S. Plan To Beat The Recession (A Funny Paper):

Bear Surprise

Joke: Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Indian Restaurant in Paris 2005

Whilst having an evening meal in an Indian Restaurant in Paris, I was quite aware that French was probably the second language of the Indian staff. This left me thinking that English was probably a distant third language ... if I was lucky! The menu had all the items listed in the mandatory French, but also included a faint grey English translation in tiny lettering. Therefore, I was able to avoid escargot and grenoiulle(?).
Because of the extremely limited vocabulary of the restauranteurs, I was on the receiving end of statements such as, "You eat. You sit." I knew they weren't being rude as they were obviously trying to communicate with the ignorant foreigner (me!).

This leads me to a question:

If cows are considered sacred animals in India, why can we buy Beef Vindaloo at an Indian restaurant?

Juxtapositioning the thoughts of a Cat and Dog

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary




8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary






Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am. Irritant Scum.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for
now.........

They didn't see this one coming ... crunch!

When Married Couples Shouldn't Hyphenate Their Names

New Zealand's Hilarious Moronical Political Circus

Election year silly season is under way!

One of our esteemed politicians, moonlighting as a fill-in radio station broadcaster, has told the station listeners that he did not want morons voting for his party.

Responding to a listener, who sent him an e-mail saying Mr Politician was a lost cause and he would soon be out of politics, Mr Politician said there were a lot of morons in New Zealand and they could vote for any party they liked, but he did not want them to vote for his party!

In yet another colourful blight on our much maligned political landscape, Mr Politician N0.2 recently told an emailer who was concerned about the extremely high number of people emmigrating to Australia to "Please join them".

Maybe us morons could vote for this guy instead ... maybe not ... hahaha!

For the purpose of maintaining the apolitical nature of this blog, I've refrained from mentioning the actual names of the politicians, their parties and the radio station concerned.

Below is a voting form with more realistic candidates.

At least neither of these candidates will label us morons.


---------------------------------------------------------------


GENERAL ELECTION VOTING FORM

CANDIDATE 1: Gollum! (Standing for the Smeagol's Sneaking Hobbit Party)

CANDIDATE 2: Bean! (Standing for the Bean Adder Serious Party)

A Visible Question, Don't Die in Sarpourenx and A Celebrity(!) Nightmare.

I discovered recently, that I had presented a visible question to a passer by.

You might ask, "What is a visible question?"

The answer is: Me, standing in a supermarket car park, next to my car and holding up jumper lead cables!

In Sarpourenx, south west France, Mayor Gerard Lalanne has posted an ordinance in his Council office that states: "All persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the Parish. Offenders will be severely punished".


_______________________________________________



Today, I was surfing the Net, and I stumbled across bizarre information about a New Zealand girl who aspires to be a New Zealand celebrity and/or politician. After I checked many sources, I have composed the following summary of what she has achieved so far:

• 2004 - She appeared in one episode of the reality T.V. show Captive. Viewers and contestants stated that she exhibited unusual behaviour on this programme.
• 2005 - She appeared at an audition for New Zealand Idol singing Malibu "Crash and Burn" by Hole. The judges told her that she was a talent free zone, then she responded by losing her cool and swearing repeatedly as she left the set. [I just finished watching footage online. What a shocker!]
  
• 2005 - She undertook modeling in an explicit photo-shoot for an x-rated magazine. She was paid $400. She was also interviewed about this on 20/20. Her pictures were described by her 20/20 interviewer as being very graphic.
  
• 2006 - She briefly worked as an extra for Shortland Street. She signed a standard terms and conditions agreement that would have included a confidentiality clause. However, she went on to leak information about the show's plot to the public via the internet. She is now banned from Shortland Street. Additionally, she is banned from all programs produced by the production company. She denied that she had signed such an agreement. [When I was a movie extra, I recall signing up to such terms and conditions.]
  

She has also inflamed numerous student magazines, radio stations and internet forums. I have also discovered that she has been banned from at least 14 internet forums.

I dare not mention her name, as I have approached the above topic objectively and flaming on my blog would not be a good thing.

I can only conclude, that she appears to be on a journey towards notoriety.













A funny toilet streaker being tackled by security.

Introduction

Hello.

Welcome to my blog. Here you can talk about sport, humour, world history and travel, heavy metal music, computers and other technology and even random things such as the cruel invention known as Vista or even the struggle of getting out of bed on Monday mornings.