Nervous Flyers and Seat Space Invaders

Have you ever sat next to a fidgety person an airline flight? Or sat next to someone who slumped their large elbow across the top of the arm rest and encroached your seat space?

Early yesterday morning, for the purpose of attending a meeting, I caught a flight to Wellington. My boarding pass stated that I was allocated a window seat. Kudos, I thought. Once I boarded the aircraft, I slung my backpack in the overhead locker, grabbed my book in anticipation of a good read , and made myself comfortable on my allocated seat. However, as the flight was preparing to take off, I quickly learned that my tranquility was to be shattered, by this middle aged lady who occupied the seat next to me. She started knocking me persistently with her arm and shoulder. I then noticed that she was constantly fidgeting in her seat for most of the flight. I know this wasn't deliberate, but she was very annoying all the same.


Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Firstly I would like to say thank you for choosing to fly Mandarin Airlines. As we Taxi out to the runway, please make yourself comfortable ... and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane, please look to your LEFT.







I have learned over the years that when you travel, there are 4 main types of airline passengers to be aware of.

1. The Seat Encroacher (a.k.a. The Seat Space Invader): These passengers are usually well built people with stocky arms. Their effect is greatly exacerbated, when they indulge in reading a full size newspaper. Symptoms: A large elbow or foreman may slump over your forearm (worse if you have a short sleeve shirt on) Occasionally, the passenger may take a deep breath or sigh, before wriggling around slowly to find a more comfortable posture. This may happen several times during a flight. These passengers occasionally work on laptops, which can be annoying as well, as they will constantly rub the side of your arm or shoulder as they type.
Warning sign: A well built person walking along the isle with a laptop or newspaper. Cure: Ask them politely to give you more room. This does not work in all cases.

2. The Nervous Flyer (a.k.a. The Fidgeter). These passengers can turn up in all guises. Symptoms: Restlessness, a repeated tendency to jam their hands (either open palms or closed fists) down between their thighs and squeeze, Quickly slide their hands up and down their legs or arm rests repeatedly, a tendency to bump the passengers in adjacent seats with all that fidgeting. In more advanced cases the passenger will hold on tightly to the arm rests. Warning Signs: Passenger will have a very concerned look on their face. Passenger will ask flight attendants or fellow passengers questions, such as, " How long will this flight take?" or " Do you think this will be a bumpy one?". Cure: Three things reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance. Tell them something like "Don't worry it is quite safe up here. Down on the ground, your chances of being savaged by a pack of vicious or rabid dogs are far greater."[Joke].

3. The Seat Recliner (a.k.a The Dozer or Bouncer): This passenger chooses to recline the seat a fair way. Symptoms: Passenger reclines close to the maximum angle. Sometimes they won't sit still and this creates a bouncy motion that can be very annoying to the unfortunate passenger sitting directly behind them. Bouncing seats that hover directly above your nose or meal tray are not fun at all. Flights with seat mounted movie screens can make for hard viewing at the mercy of a bouncer. Warning Signs:Passenger boards the plane with the appearance of being tired and may even carry a cushion or pillow. Cure: Strong turbulence can cause The Seat Recliner to sit upright. Flight staff may also direct these people to place their seats upright in certain situations (aircraft landing or passenger discomfort).

4: The Talker (Have to admit that during earlier years, I have crept into this category) : Passenger will talk non stop to you during the flight, even if you are reading. Can be an overkill situation if you are tired or trying to study. It is good to be friendly and start a conversation, but hey, forgetting to pause long enough to breathe may cause these people to pass out.. Symptoms: Self explanatory. Warning Signs: No reading material. Cure: Interesting reading material for them or an Ipod for you.

5. The Screamer: I have only ever spotted one or two of these passengers. One was particularly memorable. Disposition: Has a serious fear of flying. Sympton: Self Explanatory - they scream loudly. Can also be exacerbated by any level of turbulence. Cure: Get them off the plane as soon as possible, or if they catch their breath between screaming long enough, tell them my stupid joke about rabid dogs and they'll ask you to leave them alone!

Library Books Are Not Amphibious Creatures

Last Friday night, I spent 3 hours flying home from Auckland. Upon arriving home, I enjoyed a fantastic roast meal cooked by Kat. However, I was feeling sore and tired from travelling, so I thought a hot bath would be a good idea. Whilst relaxing in the bath, I like to enjoy a good book. On this occasion, I was reading a library book.

As I was reading the library book, I started noticing that my eyes were getting heavy with tiredness. I started having thoughts about what might happen to the book if I dozed off.

Without warning, I snapped out of an unexpected micro nap, and realised to my utter horror that I had accidentally dipped one corner of this book in bathwater. Even library books are subject to the capillary effect!

A Survival Guide For Dealing With Drenched Library Books.

1. Quickly remove the book from the aquatic environment.

2. Take a few deep breaths, until your panicking subsides.

3. Carefully separate the soaked pages.

4. Open up all the other pages, so that entire book is fanned out.

5. Stand the book up on one end in the hot water cupboard.

6. After 2 or 3 days, flatten the book by placing it under a heavy object.

7. Continue reading the book in a dry place.

Daylight Savings, Hotel Foyer Scene and the Highlanders.

I went for a run up Mount Cargill earlier today. I now feel completely stuffed. Nearly sprained my ankle on the way back down.

Daylight savings ended last night, and it is now quite dark in Dunedin at 8:00 pm. The Autumn Equinox has been and gone. Therefore, in less than three months the sun will set in Dunedin at 4: 56 pm. This means that I can expect to head off for work in darkness and return home from work in darkness.

Hopefully, future winters in Hamilton will mean noticeably longer days, as Kat and I will be moving there in a few months.

Last week, when I was working in Auckland, my employer put me up in a fine hotel. On Thursday night, after finishing work, I was passing through the hotel foyer and noticed one of the hotel staff dealing with a visibly upset guest. The female guest was crying quite audibly and she mentioning something about towels . I thought to myself, "How could anyone get extremely upset over towels?"

Finally, the Highlanders won 29-20 over the Lions. As people often say, there are always those of us, less fortunate, further down the food chain.

A Visible Question, Don't Die in Sarpourenx and A Celebrity(!) Nightmare.

I discovered recently, that I had presented a visible question to a passer by.

You might ask, "What is a visible question?"

The answer is: Me, standing in a supermarket car park, next to my car and holding up jumper lead cables!

In Sarpourenx, south west France, Mayor Gerard Lalanne has posted an ordinance in his Council office that states: "All persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the Parish. Offenders will be severely punished".


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Today, I was surfing the Net, and I stumbled across bizarre information about a New Zealand girl who aspires to be a New Zealand celebrity and/or politician. After I checked many sources, I have composed the following summary of what she has achieved so far:

• 2004 - She appeared in one episode of the reality T.V. show Captive. Viewers and contestants stated that she exhibited unusual behaviour on this programme.
• 2005 - She appeared at an audition for New Zealand Idol singing Malibu "Crash and Burn" by Hole. The judges told her that she was a talent free zone, then she responded by losing her cool and swearing repeatedly as she left the set. [I just finished watching footage online. What a shocker!]
  
• 2005 - She undertook modeling in an explicit photo-shoot for an x-rated magazine. She was paid $400. She was also interviewed about this on 20/20. Her pictures were described by her 20/20 interviewer as being very graphic.
  
• 2006 - She briefly worked as an extra for Shortland Street. She signed a standard terms and conditions agreement that would have included a confidentiality clause. However, she went on to leak information about the show's plot to the public via the internet. She is now banned from Shortland Street. Additionally, she is banned from all programs produced by the production company. She denied that she had signed such an agreement. [When I was a movie extra, I recall signing up to such terms and conditions.]
  

She has also inflamed numerous student magazines, radio stations and internet forums. I have also discovered that she has been banned from at least 14 internet forums.

I dare not mention her name, as I have approached the above topic objectively and flaming on my blog would not be a good thing.

I can only conclude, that she appears to be on a journey towards notoriety.













A funny toilet streaker being tackled by security.

Crazy American Laws

It's 17 minutes after midnight, and I am working on a polytechnic assignment. Thought I should take a break, and update my blog.

Today's fodder: Crazy American Laws.

The respective local constabulary would have a nightmare, if they attempted to enforce some of these!

In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

In Philadelphia, you can’t put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760.

Alaska law says that you can’t look at a moose from an airplane.


In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.

In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.

It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven with the steering wheel.

California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.

In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.

In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.

In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.

In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.

In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front.

A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.

In Louisiana, a bill was introduced years ago in the State House of Representatives that fixed a ceiling on haircuts for bald men of 25 cents.

In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.


In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer !

In Kentucky, it’s the law that a person must take a bath once a year.

In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.

In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.

In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.

In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.

In Providence, Rhode Island, it is against the law to jump off a bridge.

In the State of Kansas, you’re not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street.

In Florida, it is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.

In New Jersey, cabbage can’t be sold on Sunday.

In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose in the street!

In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight.

In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it is unlawful to leave chewing gum in public places.

In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.

In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.

In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatos in clam chowder.

In Washington State, you can’t carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.

In San Francisco, there is an ordinance, which bans the picking up and throwing of used confetti.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a merchant to force a person into his place of business for the purpose of making a sale.

It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.

In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.

In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light !

In Phoenix, Arizona, you can’t walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on.

In California, a law created in 1925 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples.

In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.

In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.

In Georgia, it’s against the law to spread a false rumor.

In West Virginia, one can’t cook sauerkraut or cabbage due to the odors and the offence is subject to imprisonment.

In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.

The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time.

In Texas, it is still a “hanging offense” to steal cattle


When I was in Singapore, I spotted a sign inside an internet cafe that stated "The Playing of Minesweeper or Computer Chess is prohibited. Offenders will be handed over to the police."

How to Irritate People

Found this List of 32 ways to annoy people:

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Insist that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniff incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."*#

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.*#

Here are some of my own additions:

33. Start a conversation with someone, while wearing stereo headphones.*

34. Deliberately rattle the loud plastic bag you are packing items into.

35. Turn up to a formal function dressed in a t-shirt, shorts and jandels and hang around the the best dressed guests.*

36. Pop a paper bag in the library.

37. Say "Ah-hem!" repeatedly, while standing in a long queue.

38. Only look sideways at the person you are talking to.#

39. When you are sitting at a window seat on long haul aircraft flights, get up every 5 minutes to use the toilet, or stretch your legs.

40. Recline your seat back, as far as possible on aircraft flights.#

41. Park your bicycle on a car park space.

42. Set your cell phone alarm to go off loudly, during meetings at work.

43. Ask the supermarket checkout operator to weigh your 14 tomatoes individually.

44. Ask for black coffee with milk.*

45. Ask for white coffee with no milk.*

46. Turn the bathroom taps off hard, so that they become difficult to turn on.*#

47. Hand over $100 for a $1 drink.*

48. Offer to fix other peoples electronics by dismantling the parts, and then saying "I don't know how to fix this!'"

49. Burp over food in the supermarket.

50. Ask a bank teller for a $100 note in exchange for one thousand 10 cent pieces.

51. Ask for a $1 discount at the $2 shop.

52. Go to your rugby team's home game, and cheer for the visiting team.

53. During the big game, adjust the television aerial, even though the reception was previously perfect.

54. During an aircraft flight, start a coversation about plane crashes.*

# Means I have been on the receiving end of this.
* Means I have been guilty of this heinous act.

Rubik's Twisted Nightmare

Ever since my early days at intermediate school, I have been able to solve the standard 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube (pictured above). Now many years later, things have taken a drastic turn. I came across this 5X5X5 monstrosity (pictured below) at a local shop, and being an old veteran war-horse of the Cube, I just had to pick this up.  I won't solve this new beast in a hurry, since the difficulty is definitely steeper. At least I have all the corners sussed.

 Erno Rubik invented his "Magic Cube" in 1974 and obtained a Hungarian patent for the Magic Cube in 1975 but he did not take out international patents. The first test batches of the product were produced in late 1977 and released to Budapest toy shops. The Cube was held together with interlocking plastic pieces. In September 1979, a deal was signed with Ideal Toys to bring the Rubik's Cube to the Western world, and the puzzle made its debut at toy fairs in January and February 1980.

Sales of the Rubik's Cube boomed during the early to mid 1980's. During this era, world records for solving the puzzle were set. Times recorded at less than 30

 seconds were not unheard off. My quickest time is a relatively sluggish 4 minutes and 12 seconds.
Movies such as Wil Smith's "Pursuit of Happiness" appear to have assisted in the current resurgence of the puzzle's popularity.

Update:
My latest solving times for the following cubes are:

2x2x2: 1 minute exactly
3x3x3: 4 minutes and eight seconds.
4x4x4: Only 2 pieces away from solving this for the first time.
5x5x5: Only a few pieces on the last layer left to solve.